Dear Dr Trainwreck,

I’m a straight man.

When I ask my female friends about problems with women (if I can make it so clear that a partner is doing something wrong that they don’t immediately take the woman’s side) they all just go “Well why would you be interested in such a terrible person?” 

When I ask men, they understand why you might be interested in a less-than-perfect woman but they’re just as baffled as me at how to handle things and have similar problems.

When I look at dating advice for men in the public sphere, it’s all either “Forget anyone who causes any problems, there’s plenty of fish” (there isn’t, I’ve been at this for over a decade) or right-wing “manosphere” nonsense.

Where does a straight guy get dating or relationship advice that’s both honest, useful, and not toxic?

Answer: 

My Dear Straight Man,

Good luck with that. Most dating advice is, by definition, toxic. Because dating is a shitshow, and dating in LA is an even worse shitshow. And people suck. Apologies, I am in a mood. Now, here is the thing. I might get in trouble for this, but men and women are, in fact, different. They really are. And as someone who has dated (well, slept with) my fair share of dudes, I have noticed a few things they all have in common. Besides liking a nice set on a broad, it seems they are not fans of games, rules, playing hard-to-get or women who are “dramatic”, “overly sensitive”, or “high maintenance.” Now. You guys don’t like these things, yet you often feed into what is a very cyclical pattern of insecure women needing assurances, and men withholding them. You know that quotation? Everything in the world is about sex, except sex, which is about power. I tend to believe that is not far off the truth. You are already on the right path by avoiding the manosphere. And asking women about women can lead to a bunch of problems, because we (ladies) see things a whole lot differently and love to judge the bejesus out of one another. And when it comes to one of our male friend’s partners? You better believe your female friends are judging every single thing she does/is/wears/says/etc. And you might say “not all women are like that.” But trust me, we are. We just hate to admit it. I have mostly male friends. And there is no upside to giving any of them advice on their choices relating to what they do with their dicks. Because y’all make terrible choices when it comes to where you, ummm, stick them.

So where do you turn? You can always email me, specific questions, and I will help if I can. But without a precise question I honestly have no place to begin. I am going to assume you are not a total prick, and you are looking for something real and lasting. That can only happen when you are not overlooking someone’s flaws or problems or deficits, but when you see them as an entire being. A whole person. On the practical side? Always consider non-negotiables. I, for one, will not ever date, or even speak to, a man who is anti-choice. Also, if he owns even one Sublime shirt or album, that is a no-go. If you are a person of faith, that will come into play, cat people and dog people do not usually do well together, and age gaps can be problematic. But that is all obvious, rom-com shit that we all know. And never think of a person as a fixer-upper. If you like her, like her. And when all else fails, sometimes our nervous systems know things before we do. When I really think about it, I have always known, deep down in my bones or my soul or something when something was just not going to work. But I spent a long time ignoring those instincts. Pretending everything was fine. And it ended—every time—very badly. I used to be with this dude who made my stomach flip. Every time I walked into the bar and saw him, or he opened his door, I would feel physically sick. At the time I thought it was excitement or arousal or some shit. Turns out it was my body screaming at me to get the fuck away from him. The person you want—your person—will not make you feel sick. Or anxious. Or scared. In fact, she won’t make you feel any kind of way. Hopefully she will give you the space and offer the security you need to be happy.