What is the Purpose of All of This? And by This, I Mean Life

Dear Dr. Trainwreck,

I have recently gone through a life change (a major breakup and move) and am having a hard time finding my footing. The close friends that I thought would be there for me disappeared shortly thereafter, and I’ve spent the better part of the last several months trying to nurture new friendships with people that are interesting and engaging. My question is—what is the purpose of all of this and by this —I mean life. I’ve tried to live most of my life making choices that I wouldn’t regret on my deathbed—but I find myself now in a position where I’m wondering if that even matters. It feels like everyone is just making it up as they go alon,g and also that everyone is so lonely. How does one find or cultivate joy when everything seems inconsequential?

— Tumbleweed

Dear Tumbleweed,

How I wish there was some magical thing I could write to you, some optimistic, practical, feasible way forward, a comforting missive assuring you there is an order and purpose to it all. This I sadly cannot do, but I will address what I can without knowing specifics of your particular situation. First, if your friends disappeared from your life just when you needed them, perhaps they were not of the highest calibre to begin with. Once again I do not know the particulars, but close friends, in my opinion, ought to stick around when our lives go to hell. And cultivating new relationships never seems to be easy, but I do advise patience. Let new people get to know you, and vice versa; forcing it never works out well. Second, everyone is making it up as they go along, at least so far as I can tell. And those who are not? Well, there is a Yiddish saying: Der mentsch trakht un Gott lacht; roughly translated, it states that ‘man plans and God laughs.’ Something I actually find quite comforting. Because it is oddly wonderful to accept the chaos and disorder and randomness of life. Trying to place order on it is futile at best. You write that you have essentially lived a practical life, one in which you made measured decisions and tried to keep from doing things you might regret. But the thing is, some of the very best things, the things that bring us joy and surprise us and somehow help us believe our lives are valuable and of consequence—some of these things are absolutely on the ‘things you may regret on your deathbed’ list. I am not saying treat people like garbage or compromise your morals. But you have gotten this far doing everything ‘right.’ Maybe try some wrong. Take chances and make decisions based on different criteria than you have in the past. Pretend it’s college and experiment. Remember the Existentialists? If you do not, the brief takeaway is simply this: the universe is completely oblivious to us and without order;  we make our own meaning despite this, and can infuse each second we have with value, purpose, and joy.

And if none of that works, watch Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Seriously. Because your question is at the heart of every story, every myth, every ’80s movie. We have struggled to find meaning, to find a point to it all, forever. And Ferris nails it. He really does.

We are all tumbleweeds, at one time or another.

I’m gonna have to motor if I’m gonna make it to that funeral,

—Dr. C. Barnabas Westlake