Trying to Navigate LA

Dear Dr. Trainwreck,

Can you talk about chasing fame and how that affects friendship? I’m from the Midwest and came out to California for art school. I’m fresh out of school (one year) and was able to get pretty good gallery representation early on so I count myself lucky. But a classmate that graduated at the same time keeps asking me how I did it. I’m happy to share. I’m not trying to gatekeep and I introduce them to my contacts (the few that I have). But in my core, I think the real issue is that they’re chasing fame as their primary goal rather than focusing on making art. I guess it shouldn’t bother me so much, to each their own, except that whenever we hang I also feel like I’m being strategically dissected to see what parts of me they can use and that will help them climb whatever ladder faster (not that I am famous by any means). They are actually quite talented and naturally brilliant, and everyone loves them, so it may just be me getting weirded out. I guess being a bit of an opportunist is normal in LA and isn’t necessarily a bad thing?

— Trying to navigate Los Angeles

Dear Trying to navigate Los Angeles,

Truth? People are opportunists everywhere, every field, every relationship. Not all the time, not every day, but on some level humans are usually pretty quick to take an opportunity when it presents itself. Now, that said, Los Angeles is in many ways the worst of the worst. Have you not noticed the first thing anyone asks you at some douchey Hollywood party is: What do you do? And they are not asking in an interested way, they are usually asking to find out who you know, and what you can do for them, and if you are worth talking to or if there is someone else in the room more powerful, hotter, better connected. You get the idea. Watch Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, or The Player, or LA Story.

Those three get the general vibe of LA pretty perfectly. Now, what I do, and what I advise, is to sort of weigh how much you actually enjoy spending time with this person against how much it weirds you out or makes you uncomfortable. If you love them, and value the relationship, in a serious way, consider just talking to them about it. If they are an asshole, they will likely become terribly offended, defensive, and somehow try to make it all your fault. If they are a true friend, they will actually listen. You did not mention how old you or they are (I am assuming young, 20s?). If this is the case a little grace is owed, being as you are both still young and have a goodly amount of time to learn how to navigate not just LA but complex adult friendships. If you are older and they are behaving this way: Fuck ‘em. They should do better, but more importantly, you can spend your time doing something that makes you happy. Like creating art.

Be well, and do good things.

—Dr. C. Barnabas Westlake

Confessions of a Trans Poly Scaredy-Cat, part 1

Dear Dr. Trainwreck,

Queer love is so much more dynamic, isn’t it? The breadth of possibilities also makes it difficult to parse the way forward sometimes. Is she flirting with me, or just friendly? Are they even queer? What lines are not to be crossed?

I met my partner of three years online, we dated casually for six months before deciding it could be more structured than that. We tried a monogamous arrangement for a few months in the middle of things and determined that it wasn’t helping. I’m a relentlessly horny person and my partner is not. Weirdly, I think she has more propensity to be ok with sex with strangers than I, although she doesn’t see herself as particularly non-monogamous.

Our lives have gotten more and more intertwined, and now her friends are my friends, but she has a strict “I don’t wanna meet my metas” type of policy for her own sanity. So, here’s the rub: I have discovered that a lot of my energy to take care of myself, do the tasks I need to do, clean up around the apartment, etc, is built on looking and feeling sexy and having fun sexy experiences with new people. This is incredibly difficult to manage in our current arrangement without changing something and has precipitated almost a two year dry spell… save the occasional period sex as my partner gets frisky when the moon rises.

I’m looking into self-pleasure mastery but I think the key to the energy-generation part of it for me comes from being with another individual. Frivolous one-night things that aren’t at least somewhat soul-touching are not helpful in this regard. Also, I’m starting to have a crush on my roommate, but that’s already been brought up as a non-starter. Same with her roommates/friends. So here we are, feeling somewhat stuck and slowly letting go of all the tasks that I used to enjoy for the sake of them. 

I can only imagine your answer to this may be very simple, short, and abrasive, but I look forward to it nonetheless.

—Floundering From Fidelity

Dear FFF,

Well, fuck. This is indeed a quandary. I will be as gentle as I can: two people with very different sexual needs are unlikely to make it. Or at least not happily. Your letter reads like someone who is giving up a lot for someone else – not usually a good sign. And they seem to be placing a LOT of restrictions on whom you are allowed to shag. Which leads me to believe that perhaps they are not as OK with multiple partners as they are pretending to be. Which is obviously going to become a bigger and bigger problem. I think that part of the fun of being queer and poly and generally ‘relentlessly horny’, is the variety, the first kisses, the long nights getting to know someone different in a sexy, intense-but-different-than-primary-relationship-way. You are depriving yourself of so much. And for what? Someone who gets down (goes down?) once every couple months at best, and has effectively curtailed your extracurricular activities. In all seriousness, what are you getting from this relationship? In a very abbreviated and slightly flippant answer I might say that if you are in a partnership, and not getting laid, just be friends. Or not. But you sound unhappy, frustrated, and kind of lonely. So, what are you doing? Because it sounds to me like you are slowly fading away – becoming someone you might not actually be. Fuck a bunch of THAT. Being who you are is already complicated, dangerous, scary, often lonely and forever misunderstood. Add to that the current political climate and I say you, of all people, should have as much fun as you can. Before your love, your lifestyle, and your fundamental being, becomes illegal.

Also, TWO YEARS?!?! No amount of self-gratification can make that right. In fact, I am sad even thinking about it. Two years in which you could have – should have – been using to be not just good to your partner, but good to yourself. And part of being good to yourself is (according to your letter) about getting sexy, keeping your home wonderful, and experiencing new adventures with new people.

Your way forward seems pretty obvious to me, and it sucks. But being with someone who is not right for you also sucks, but it sucks for longer, and causes more damage, and breaks not just your heart but your spirit.

Good luck my floundering one. Be well, and do good things.

I’m gonna have to motor if I wanna be ready for that funeral.

—Dr. C. Barnabas Westlake