Weird-Ass White has a secret death wish, a deep and unwavering desire to fall headlong into the arms of night with its ever-widening black mouth swallowing her alive, but being the good girl that she is, she never lets on. Instead, the world at large swallows her doe-eyed proclamations hook, line and sinker without even batting an eye. If only they knew the crazy thoughts that occupy her mind – weird minutia like spider webs were used as bandages in ancient times, and a cloud can weigh more than a million pounds and the saddest fact of all – the average person will spend six months of their lives waiting for traffic lights to change. Being white, no one would ever suspect she is s secret hoarder of cutlery and strapless bras (she has over 2000 in her collection!).

No one would ever think twice as she walks around the department store, shoving Natori Pure Luxe and Victoria Secret into her coat for reasons unknown to everyone, including herself! After all she is white and therefore above suspicion. Living well above the line of scrutiny has served her well as folks rarely give her a second look, but Weird-Ass White has a secret agenda few people know about as for decades she has been hoarding turnips, potatoes, white onions, and cauliflower, preserving them in various ornamental jars throughout the house in the hope of one day finding a cure for cancer.

Considering herself a kind of amateur apothecary, Weird-Ass White prides herself on her ability to accurately assess the medicinal effects of various plants and minerals. This unusual skill has earned her quite a reputation as a savior of lost souls, those whom the medical profession has long since failed or forgotten altogether. One might even go so far as to say she can read the minds of vegetables! She is, in short, an emissary for all veggie matter, but particularly those of the white and off-white variety. One might even say she has finally discovered her true calling in life. . .

  • Frank Stella, "Geometry XXII," 2022.

  • Robert Motherwell, "Elegy Study," 1949.

  • Eva Hesse, "Hang Up," 1966.

  • Jackson Pollock, "Number 17," 1951.

  • Rebecca Horn, "White Body Fan," 1972.

  • Ellsworth Kelly, "Briar," 1961.