Soft White was a porn star in the 80s, and with all the money he made was finally able to buy a piece of land in the Adirondacks where he opened a rescue for abused Alpacas. He once thought about changing his name to Hard White, but the allure of the soft and fuzzy proved to be a particularly successful strategy for winning over new lovers, who invariably took to the farming life.

Fancying himself an inventor and inspired by Bernini’s Ecstasy of St. Teresa, Soft White designed a vibrator that plays Wagner’s Ring Cycle, increasing in volume with each successive speed. Needless to say, it was a huge hit, and Soft White, feeling good about himself and his contributions to the sensual arts, managed to get a hospital named after him in honor of all his philanthropic contributions, the others of which include a self-reading Bible (Just plug it in and you’re sure to find Jesus!); a color changing hamster wheel and the much sought-after Viagra Vending machine (unfortunately these can only be found in South America and Eastern Europe), much to the disappointment of so many corrupt American politicians for whom phlacid dick is a middle name.

It was inevitable that Soft White write his memoirs, aptly titled, The Smooth Moves of Soft White. He’d hoped to get George Clooney for the books on tape version, but alas, only Toby McGuire was available. So, Soft White opened a winery in Northern California, calling it Nectar of the Gods, but several people took to Yelp complaining that the wine tasted like toasted marshmallows and piss, so that endeavor also quickly folded.

Feeling dispirited and slightly astray, Soft White, returning to his roots, finally found his groove selling his own brand of condoms. He called his company Easy Come, Easy Go, and his life from then on was smooth sailing.

  • Joseph Kosuth, (Waiting for-) Texts for Nothing #6, 2010, and Double Reading #12, 1993

  • Jackson Pollock, Untitled 28, 1949

  • Robert Motherwell, Untitled Elegy, 1983

  • Georgia O'Keeffe, Nature Forms, 1932

  • Robert Morris, Bodyspacemotionthings installation at Tate Modern, 2009

  • Anish Kapoor, Sophia, 2003

  • Yelena Strokin, Off White 11, 2018

  • Isamu Noguchi, Love of Two Boards, 1950

  • Ana Mendieta, Siluetas series, 1973-1977

  • Max Ernst, CI-Fut Une Hirondelle, 1928

  • Sophie Calle, Monochromatic Diet,1992

  • Doug Aitken, New Era (installation video still), 2018