My friend diagnoses everyone she dates as a narcissist as soon as the relationship ends. She never seems to understand that some men just want different things than she does or they just aren’t into her. Is there a way to explain the difference between a narcissist, an asshole, and somebody who just doesn’t want to deal with her?

Answer: 

I am so glad you asked. I have been waiting for just such a question, because I having been hoping for a reason to discuss this exact issue. It has been seeming to me that every single ex of basically everyone you meet these days is—according to whomever it was who just got dumped or left or cheated on or ghosted—a narcissist. Sometimes they go even further and diagnose an ex as a malignant narcissist. There are a few problems wrapped up in this. One glaring problem is that diagnoses are real things, with real definitions and criteria, and (unless your friend is a therapist or psychiatrist) it seems unwise for her to diagnose anyone. In short, she probably does not know what a narcissist actually is. Most people don’t, to be fair. So, how to differentiate betwixt a standard run-of-the-mill asshole, a guy who is just over you, or busy, and a narcissist? How indeed? I am in no way suggesting you and your friends go out and get a DSM and attempt to diagnose people. I am, however, asking that people stop using complex psychological terms to describe people they do not like, or were hurt by. The reality is that most relationships end, some are good and some are bad and most are in-between. And your friend gets to eschew all responsibility for the failure of her relationships by laying all the blame squarely at the feet of her partner. Calling her exes narcissists means she did nothing wrong, but they were (and I am guessing here at what she may say of them) toxic,manipulative, narcissistic, and maybe even abusive assholes. It might be worth having a chat with your friend and telling her (gently) that it might behoove her to think about her own behavior and contribution to her relationships. Narcissism is a very serious, and very harmful, and also relatively rare clinical diagnosis. We do not get to flippantly call our ex a narcissist because he hurt our feelings any more than we get to say someone is an abuser because they disagree with us. It is irresponsible, and an ever-growing problem. Eventually, if we continue this way, the words lose all meaning. It sounds to me like your friend needs to work on accepting rejection with grace, and you can tell her I said that. Basically, put on your big girl panties and deal with it. Just because someone doesn’t want to be with you does not mean anything, really. Except they don’t want to be with you. It happens.

Question: 

I am working on a creative project that my sister thinks she would be perfect for. I don’t want to work with her because any time she works on anything she turns it into a psychodrama and cries all the time when anyone tells her “No” about any of her ideas. I love her and want to maintain the relationship, but I don’t want her crying on the phone for hours while I’m trying to work;she says this is ableist because she cries due to mental health issues. What can I do?

Answer: 

Oh, for fuck’s sake. I am sorry, I am. But is no one a goddamned grown-up anymore? Without knowing what your sister’s mental health issues are, I cannot comment on much. Except for the life of me I cannot think of a single thing that would support her accusation of ableism on your part in this scenario. Enforcing a personal boundary and not wanting to listen to your sister cry for hours on end is entirely reasonable, as is not wanting to work with her on this—or any—project. She sounds frustrating as hell. But you love her. And want to maintain a relationship. Honestly, with the information I have, I do not see that happening easily. Not unless you just cave and give in to her emotional demands. Essentially, she is holding you hostage. If every time someone disagrees with her or says no, she cries, and you are not allowed to have a limit to how much of her crying you can take, there is really nowhere to go. I hate that I cannot advise much else except to support your looking after your own mental well-being and your own creative work. And for what it’s worth, holding firm boundaries is hard. For all of us. And especially with someone we love. So, keep doing it. Even when it becomes difficult or feels impossible. You are not being ableist. I promise.